My Icy Heart
by Lysha
Summary: Ren may be like ice, cold and unemotional, but there proves to be one person that can easily get through to him and his true emotions, no matter how much Ren denies it. RenxHoro
1. Frost

**Author's Note: **Okay, this is my first shounen-ai fic, so please be nice(ish)! I wrote it in two hours after getting the inspiration from reading some other RenxHoro fics. Well, I hope you enjoy! Please, leave a review, if you could? Thanks!

**Dedications: **I want to dedicate this fic to the flame that melted my own heart. Thank you.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Shaman King, or any of the characters. But I do own this fic!

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**My Icy Heart**

Another cold morning. Ren Tao was already awake, and had already gone outside. He sat cross-legged on the damp grass just outside the inn – Yoh and Anna's abode. The air was like ice against his skin, and although he shuddered against it, he did not react to cover himself from the cold. His eyes flicked over the yard of the house, seeing a thin mist retracting over the tall fences. He had been here long before dawn had broken, and the clearing mist told him that he had been here for quite a while. _It's almost time_, he thought to himself.

Damp dewdrops on his bare arms glistened from where the mist had gathered, leaving a permanent icy-cold touch on his skin, reminding Ren of _him_. But he did not even think of going inside; he was sitting out there for a reason – two actually.

The first: to put up with the harsh winter mornings was, as he told the others, perfect 'training' for him - he just had to learn to withstand them, and his endurance levels would increase threefold, meaning he may be able to last out longer in a fight. At least, that was his _excuse_… his strange activities these past few weeks had far little to do with training, and much more to do with punishment. Ren had developed lots of strange ways in which to punish himself since these thoughts occurred. Perhaps that was the way to getting these twisted thoughts out of his head? He believed it was. He had to get rid of these feelings… they weren't right, they weren't possible…

But, however, the second reason was a complete contradiction of his punishment. He sat out here _because _of those feelings, because he knew that he could watch _him_ from here, from a safe distance. From out here, through the windows of the inn, meant that no one could see Ren gazing _his_ way. This plan had been successful numerous times before.

It seemed like an endless habit he couldn't break. His punishment, though it was severe, brought him pleasure too. But somewhere in his mind, he believed that it was doing good for him, it was helping him overcome the thoughts that were invading his head, feeling so much like someone else's emotions rather than his own. Ren never realised that the feelings didn't subside when he looked at _him_. It was like _his_ eyes led him through a gateway to a dream – a dream he reached only by gazing into them. It filled him with a sense of euphoria that he couldn't even bring himself to fight off.

Thinking of it, _he_ slowly crept back into Ren's thoughts. Ren stared blankly ahead of him for a moment, letting his mind slip into thoughts of _him_…

He closed his fingers tightly around the blades of grass he was sitting upon as he cursed himself. There he was again, losing himself to _him_. His face screwed up in resent, he tried to chase the thoughts away, biting his lip, giving him pain to focus on rather than _him_. He tasted blood in his mouth and stopped, putting his head into his hands.

"Curse it… why must you always be in my head?" Ren said to himself, quiet agitation in his words.

It was worse because _he_ – _Horo_ – was always there. Ren was always surrounded by him, no matter where he was. Though Ren knew himself that he wouldn't _want_ to escape from him, more than the fact that he couldn't. Being away from him too long sent shivers through his spine. He would miss that feeling that he had when he was around Horo – the feeling Ren only had when he was with him, and him alone.

Ren's thoughts were always with him, not matter what he was doing. He wanted him near, _lusted _for him. He fell asleep at night whispering his name silently to himself. He was scared by the fact that he could depend so much upon one person. He had sworn against depending upon others all his life, but now, he found himself enslaved to his own thoughts and, more importantly, to him.

Suddenly, unexpectedly, the inn erupted with noise, just as it always did every morning. Feeling the metallic taste of blood in his mouth once again, he swallowed nervously. This sudden uproar meant that they were all awake.

Slowly, a hopeful glint in his eyes, he lifted his head from his hands and looked up into the windows.

It was as if Horo was the only one there. The moment Ren caught sight of the house, he saw him too, in one of the windows. He felt frozen in time as he saw his eyes, those deep, black eyes… in a second, Horo had passed the window and disappeared again. Ren shook his head violently. There he went again, drifting off.

He shuddered again, his eyes not moving from the house. Carefully, he watched all of the windows, waiting to see him pass again. He saw all of the others - Yoh, Anna, Ryu… – all emerging one-by-one from their rooms, fully dressed. He wondered to himself why seeing any of them never made him feel the way he felt when he looked at Horo.

His mind reeling once again, he was brought abruptly out of thought. Horo was there, in the downstairs window. But this time, he was staring straight back at him.

Ren flushed, fidgeting uneasily, and forced himself to throw his gaze to the ground. Horo _couldn't _see him staring, no matter what. Crossing his arms tightly over his body, his heart pounded against his ribs and his mind blurred, knowing that Horo was watching him. He remained this way for a moment or so. And so far, he hadn't heard anything so much as a shout from Horo. Unnerved, he risked a glance upwards, back at the window. Horo was gone.

Ren's pulse quickened. Something didn't feel right.

"Ren!"

He shivered. It was worse hearing him call his name than having fresh ice put to his skin. Ren's gaze shifted sideward, and he saw him once again. But this time, he was outside, not in, and was coming across the yard towards him.

Ren felt his body sink like metal, telling himself not to look.

"You're out here again? You've been out here every morning for the past few weeks." Horo said, inviting himself to take a seat behind Ren, so the pair were sitting back to back.

"I told you; it's training." Ren said, simply, trying not to make his voice waver with Horo's presence so near. He had to act as he usually did, otherwise, it might have been too obvious. He liked having Horo sitting near him, he always did – he just didn't want Horo to know that.

"This definitely isn't training. First off, your kind of training is just smashing the hell out of things. And… you always look so down when you're sitting out here. Everyone can tell there's something wrong."

Ren closed his eyes, glad that Horo couldn't see his face. So _everyone_ had noticed, not just Horo…He wondered what they all thought of him now. Terrified, he stayed silent, hugging himself tighter against the cold.

"And to round that off, you're gonna catch a chill sitting out here. Me, I was made for this, but you…"

Ren's heart skipped a beat in shock as he felt a touch of a warm hand on his left shoulder.

"You're freezing!" Horo concluded. "I don't care if this _is _training or not. Come inside now, I bet Manta will be cooking up breakfast."

Ren was paralysed. Horo's hand was still upon his arm, a warm touch, like a kind lick of flame against a block of ice. It made him realise how cold it really was out here. It reminded him of himself. His heart was the cold, unbreakable block of ice that no one could penetrate, and Horo was the lick of flame, slowly melting his way through Ren's ice-cold heart to his deepest thoughts and feelings. It had made Ren realise how truly cold he was. He couldn't speak; he was just focusing on the touch of Horo's warm skin upon his, eyes closed tightly. How he longed to have Horo hold him tightly, burn away all of his doubts and fears…

Horo waited for an answer. When he didn't receive one, he stood up, taking his hand from Ren's shoulder. "Just… come back inside when you're ready," he said, simply, but kindly.

Ren relaxed as Horo moved away, though he felt his heart calling for him to come back. He kept his eyes closed, not wanting to see Horo walk away. He wanted to pretend that he was still there, with him. The next thing he felt was a warm weight around his shoulders. He had to open his eyes now. Looking down around him, draped over his shoulders, Horo had placed his coat. Ren glanced up, though keeping his head bowed. Horo had already gone, back inside the inn.

Ren closed his eyes once more, hugging the coat more closely around him. Burying his face right into the clothing, he smelt Horo's warm, homely scent. It was a smell he truly loved to experience. It reminded him of his true heart, his true feelings, and of course, of Horo.

He didn't want to move, afraid this feeling wouldn't last. Holding the coat around him, he breathed in Horo's heavenly smell.

He was there for hours to come, thinking of his flame – the flame that was to melt the icy prison around his heart.

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Emily Nash-Medlyn (Lysha) 

Saturday 10th September 2005


	2. Snow Storm

**Author's Note: **Thank you so much for your wonderful support, all my reviewers! The positive feedback you gave me has inspired me to carry on with this fic. It looks to be a three-chapter thing. This chapter describes the same events that happened previously, but from Horo's eyes this time, not Ren's. I'm gonna start on the third chapter soon, which will conclude the entire thing. Please leave another review if you can! I would really appreciate it!

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**My Icy Heart  
**- Snow Storm

The window was frosted over with a light skin of glittering ice as Usui Horokeu gazed out of it on to the street outside. Growing up so close to nature, he knew the frosty tint on the glass well. He put a hand to the freezing cold pane, as if to touch the shimmering substance on the other side. His fingers hit the glass with an empty thud.

He looked dully out on to the street, palm pressed firmly on the window. It was getting light outside, and the thin, icy mist that drifted over the roads told him that day was properly breaking now. He sighed, knowing everyone would be awake soon. He wondered if _he _was out there again, like _he_ had been every morning as of late. Horo wished his room faced over the back of inn, over the yard – then he would be able to see _him_ now, if _he _was there. Horo could almost guarantee that _he_ was.

He wouldn't even dare to move out of his room to look himself. He knew that _he_ was watching, all the time. _He_ was keeping a close eye on all the windows in the house. _He_ would easily see him pass by. Horo didn't want _him _to know that he was thinking about _him_ so much.

The clouds outside hung low around the inn, as Horo imagined _him _sitting out there, freezing cold. Horo couldn't understand why _he _did it – every morning, _he_ just sat there on the dampened grass, yellow eyes fixed upon the house, stiller than a block of ice.

Horo couldn't bear it. _He _looked so tormented, sitting alone out there. It hadn't taken everyone to guess that there was something on _his_ mind. It was just that no one understood what exactly was concerning _him_ so much. Horo thought that maybe he could hazard a guess… that was, if he wasn't getting his hopes up too high for himself. He had been so obsessed with this thought recently; it had been all he could think about.

"I mean… what if it is true…?" he wondered aloud to himself, fingers flexing slightly on the glass.

Perhaps… just maybe… _he – Ren _– shared Horo's thoughts? Horo thought he had noticed it, the way Ren looked at him, right into his eyes. Every time their gaze caught a lump hit Horo's throat. He had been longing for so long to _tell _him, just to voice his feelings out to Ren. Playing the scene out so many times in his mind, he could imagine telling Ren, telling him everything he felt inside. In his mind, he imagined Ren admitting the same – feeling the same convictions inside his heart.

Horo knew he was hoping for too much.

Ren wasn't like that – Horo was sure Ren could never find love for another inside his cold heart, especially not him. The way the two fought and bickered… Horo knew that they were much more enemies than lovers, the way he would hope. His heart tightened as he thought of all the things the two said to one another - empty threats and meaningless challenges. Horo wondered if Ren hated him for all he had said and done. It wouldn't have surprised him; he had learned now with Ren always to assume the worst.

He knew inside himself that he would _never _find the courage in his heart to tell Ren. That thought was in the back of his mind all the time. Still, nothing stopped him dreaming – and dream he did. Instead of seeing Ren ridicule him, as Horo was so sure he would do, he saw Ren's face break into a small smile as he told him his darkest and most dangerous secret…

Horo closed his eyes, already feeling Ren in his arms, just as he wished he could be. He could never stop himself from slipping into these thoughts, these endless desires that he dared not whisper a word of.

His dreams carrying him away, he often fell into this trap of a hope. These were the things that made him wonder if he _did _really know what was on Ren's mind. Surely he couldn't be imagining the lingering gazes, could he? He couldn't just be dreaming up that glint of lust in Ren's eyes when he looked at him? It couldn't just be his mind playing tricks on him when he thought that Ren was watching _him _from out there in the yard every morning…?

He couldn't help wondering if his desire to have Ren close was making his imagination run wild. Perhaps this 'training' of Ren's… really was just that? Just training?

Before he could think anymore, he heard it. All in a tumultuous wave of noise that spread across the house like wildfire, he heard everyone waking up. Suddenly, doors started to bang along each corridor; voices were heard, shouting impatiently and greeting one another happily; footsteps were heard on the wooden boards… it was officially morning at the inn. Horo had hardly noticed the night go by, not sleeping a wink, standing at his window for what seemed like forever. He turned around, taking a long, deep breath. It was time now. As he took his first footsteps toward his door, his heart began beating frantic rhythms around his chest. He'd know now, what he'd longed to know all night… was Ren there?

Stepping out of his room, he was right out into the corridor. And right in the view of a window. It was easily visible from the yard where Ren usually sat, and Horo knew he was right in line of view. He walked past it, casually. Letting his eyes slowly slip to the side, without making his deliberate glance too obvious, he got a good view of the outside.

He was there. Horo literally glanced him for a second, but he saw him – ever-staring, frozen and secluded…

As he stepped past the wide window, he stopped and breathed a sigh. It felt as if the world had been lifted from his shoulders, just seeing him. It was amazing how just glancing Ren was enough to calm him. He simply loved having him near. As long as he could see him, it was enough.

Hearing Anna cutting across the adjoining corridor, he made a break for the stairs. He jolted down them two at a time, stopping abruptly as he reached the bottom. He wondered for a moment – maybe… maybe he should try to _ask _Ren what was on his mind? It seemed like an insane idea, but who was to say that nothing good could come of it? He couldn't exactly see anything bad that could happen…

First, he decided, he wanted to take one more look…

He took a turn into the back room. As soon as he stepped inside, he was immediately in Ren's line of sight, the window making him dangerously exposed. And there was Ren, sitting directly in front, his eyes fixed on him too.

Horo felt his body begin to tremble as he laid eyes on him – the one he loved so much. Ren's eyes were fixed into his too, in that unmistakeable gaze that had always been there. Horo almost smiled, slipping… slipping slowly into him…

The fusion was broken as Ren threw his gaze downwards, to the ground. That was when Horo knew he should at least try.

He made another dash - this time, towards the door leading out to the yard. Gently pulling it aside he steeled himself, ready for anything. He didn't know how Ren would react to his presence. Running a hand nervously over his blue hair, he began to walk, calm and collected, towards where Ren sat.

"Ren!" he called out, as he came nearer.

Ren was now sitting, huddled, arms tight around himself. It made Horo want to reach out and hold him in his _own _arms – he looked so cold.

"You're out here again? You've been out here every morning for the past few weeks," he said, hoping his over-concern didn't really show in his voice. The last thing he needed was for Ren to think that he cared too much, for him to ridicule him for it. Fighting his thoughts away, he took a seat behind Ren, his back almost against his.

"I told you; it's training," he heard Ren's voice cut across, sharp as a knife over the fragile air.

"This definitely isn't training. First off, your kind of training is just smashing the hell out of things. And…" he hesitated a little, wondering how to phrase his thoughts, to stop himself saying the wrong thing. "…You always look so down when you're sitting out here. Everyone can tell there's something wrong."

He waited for a reply, watching his nervous, heavy breaths form little clouds in the air in front of him. He wondered if he had angered Ren, or upset him… he wished that he could see Ren's face to know for sure.

"And to round that off," he continued, when he received no answer, "you're gonna catch a chill sitting out here. Me, I was made for this, but you…"

Slowly, edgily, he turned around. He could feel his hand quivering, but without a second thought, he placed it upon Ren's shoulder.

"You're freezing!" he said, Ren's skin so cold to the touch that it sent shivers resounding all the way through his body. Still… he did not move his hand. He knew he wasn't going to get much closer than this. He paused for a moment; amazed that Ren hadn't pulled away by now, yelling at him in fury. He didn't even want to wonder why – he just enjoyed the touch, keeping his smile to himself. "I don't care if this _is _training or not. Come inside now, I bet Manta will be cooking up breakfast."

His agitation grew as no reply came, once again. He couldn't even judge Ren's reaction, making him nervous. Perhaps he had gone one step too far?

Fear raced through him as he thought of this, causing him to jerk his hand away quickly and stand to his feet. "Just… come back inside when you're ready," he said, voice wavering. Ren's silence intimidated him. It was always like that – it was always so hard to see into Ren's thoughts… he was so closed off and solitary. Horo didn't think he could take much more.

He looked at Ren carefully, and saw him shaking gently. Horo glanced around himself, looking thoughtful. Slowly, he undid his coat, sliding it over his arms. Once it was in his hands, he looked at it for a moment. This was the next best thing, he supposed. With great care, he placed the coat over Ren's shoulders, with a certain amount of love in his actions. It was as though he was tending to something quite holy and sacred. He couldn't help it – maybe he saw Ren that way?

Terrified of what he had just done, he darted back towards the door, before Ren had chance to explode at him. Closing the door gently behind him, he leant his back against it, heart slowing steadily. He hadn't heard an enraged outcry from Ren yet. Perhaps everything was okay?

Horo was curious. He wasted no time in ascending the stairs once more, heart beginning to race all over again.

On his hands and knees underneath the window, Horo peered out over the yard, and over Ren. There he was, the one he loved… holding his coat tightly.

Horo stared, wide-eyed. Now he _knew _he wasn't dreaming. Ren was huddled inside the coat, face hidden inside it.

Smiling to himself, Horo stayed there for a long while, still feeling the cold touch of Ren's skin on his fingertips.

In his renewed hope, he knew that maybe the day would yet come when he could fight through love's snowstorm, and hold Ren for himself.

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Emily Nash-Medlyn (Lysha) 

Monday 12th September 2005


	3. Spring's First Snow

**Author's Note: **Yay, it's finally here! Sorry this took me so long to write -I've just been so busy! Well, I've finally put it up, with the help of my wonderful reviewers. I hope I kept this chapter up to your expectations! Thank you also to Ad and Spork for reading and editing the story for me. And once more, a huge thanks to all my reviewers! I couldn't have done this without you guys. Your support means everything to me.

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**My Icy Heart  
**- Spring's First Snow

It was night. The moon was left as a glittering silver slit in the pitch-black sky, hung high over the streets of Funbari like an eerie lantern. Clouds were left, floating miserably along like lost grey sheep, heavy with the weight of snow. It was the first new days of spring, and cold weather was at its peak. The clouds had threatened to burst their icy seams for a while now.

Horo was restless that night, as always. Staring out of his window once again, he felt anxious tonight more than most. His thoughts were the same as usual – wondering what Ren was doing now, wondering if he had gone outside yet or not.

He shuffled his feet on the bare wooden floor, growing more agitated by the minute. Should he do it, or not? Should he try his luck?

For a few days now, he had been wondering what he should do – ever since seeing Ren outside, hidden in his coat. Hoping he hadn't mistaken Ren's actions that day, a plan carefully began to formulate itself in the back of his mind.

Perhaps his plan was a little far-fetched, or perhaps it was realistic. He did not know. Though over time, through hour upon hour of careful thinking, he had slowly convinced himself of what he had to do. From his experiences in the North, snowboarding from the highest peaks of the mountains, he had learnt that nothing comes easy – you have to take the risk, or don't try it at all. And if you misjudged and took the leap without thinking over it more carefully… well, there were always prices to pay. If you thought it through precisely and timed everything right, the rewards were unimaginable. He knew the price for this particular leap could be far from what he wanted. Though he knew - more importantly to him at the moment – that the rewards if he succeeded would be much greater than he could imagine.

He quivered as he thought of what could come of this. His thoughts, just as they were in his snowboarding, were dwarfed more by the rewards than the risks. He knew if he never took the chance while it was still there, he would regret it for the rest of his life.

Without pausing another moment, he headed for his door, moving quickly and decisively out into the corridor.

Ren had barely been outside a few hours. Night hadn't fallen that long ago. Yet, with winter still lingering in the air, it was already pitch-black. And it was already freezing cold.

He sat there, shuddering against the air, huddled up on the damp grass. His punishment was still on going – he hadn't allowed himself to stop yet. How could he? Those… _thoughts_ were still there, in the back of his mind, all the time. His heart still pondered these emotions; he did not want to know what he could not understand. So, he resolved, he must push them out, not let them take over his mind as he so often did.

Though it seemed to be getting harder for him to stay resilient against it. For the past few days, he had hardly seen Horo around. Whenever he _did _see him, he always looked preoccupied and resigned. The result was driving Ren crazy inside. He couldn't fathom the thoughtful look on Horo's face, or solve why he hadn't spoken to him for a while, not even to argue. Horo's silence had forced him to stay stoic too, and the pair had not spoken to one another whenever they were near. The tension between them was obvious to the others in the house, yet none of them chose to say anything. It was not their place to interfere.

He remembered the last time he had spoken to Horo – he had been sitting out here, as usual, as cold as he was now. Ren could have sworn he heard _concern_ in Horo's words as he spoke to him then. He concluded it was his imagination. He remembered sitting here, Horo's coat covering him. What he would have given to have that feeling once again…

He felt anger boil at himself for thinking such a thing. Surely… surely the feeling wasn't _that_ comfortable…?

His eyes closed against the impending darkness, he heard the footsteps before he saw who they belonged to.

"I figured you might need this," he heard a voice say to him from what seemed like nowhere.

Ren's eyes opened sharply, and he looked up to see Horo standing in front of him. Deliberately, their eyes met.

Ren suddenly felt his coldness melt away, as though someone had lit a fire near him. He didn't move for a moment, lingering in Horo's deep, soothing eyes…

Horo remained there too, for a second longer. The silence felt as sharp as shattered ice. He looked down at the long, black coat he held in his hand – Ren's coat – and offered it to him once more, with a small smile, breaking the moment. "Here."

Though Horo had broken his gaze, Ren, for once, didn't move. He stared up at him as though he couldn't believe he existed, like a child seeing winter for the first time. Absent-mindedly, he took the coat from Horo, his eyes not shifting.

Horo stood awkwardly as Ren took the coat off him, wondering how to pose his question that was to follow. "Hey, I was wondering… do you want to like, go for a walk?"

The question brought him sharply out of the clouds. He turned his head harshly to look the other way, away from Horo. "Why would you want to do that? It's dark, and far from that, it's cold."

Horo laughed stiffly. "That's why I thought you'd need the coat. But, I'll understand if you have better things to do," he said, trying not to let his sinking heart make an appearance in his words.

Before Horo could say another word, Ren was on his feet, his coat secured tightly around him.

Horo stared blankly at him for a moment, not knowing what to think. Ren had stood up so sharply… was he mad, or eager?

Ren looked at him impatiently. "Well… are you going to come, or should I take this walk alone?" he snapped, trying to maintain his usual exterior. But why was he finding it a lot more difficult than usual? Normally, he could just insult Horo, hurt him a little, act as though he didn't care when Horo fought back… he didn't feel like that now. He wondered how long it would be before his facade broke, to sink like a glacier before his very eyes.

It took a moment for Ren's words to register to Horo, but once they did, he smiled and nodded. He could barely believe he'd gotten even this far into his plan.

Ren turned sharply and marched towards the gate of the yard. As he reached it, he stopped and waited for Horo to catch up.

As they stepped out into the street, walking side by side, the temperature seemed to drop further – without the fence of the yard surrounding them, the air seemed to get colder still. Ren held his coat even tighter around him. Though the cold felt like sharpened knives the silence between them felt much more harsh.

For a few moments, they walked alongside one another in complete silence. The streets they walked were also deadly quiet; no one was outside now.

Horo squirmed inside his skin. He knew what he had to say; he had had it all planned out for nights. But now, when it came down to it, he had lost what nerve he had.

Ren was getting agitated with the silence. "So what was the point in this walk of yours, anyway?"

Horo kept his eyes fixed firmly ahead of him, his mind reeling so that all of those careful plans and thoughts he had lost themselves in one another. "I… just wanted to talk to you, that's all."

"You could have done that just fine sitting back there," Ren said, giving him a sarcastic sideward glance.

He panicked. Why was Ren always so difficult like this? It did nothing for his nerves. "But don't you get bored of sitting there all night long?"

"No," Ren answered simply.

Horo shot an annoyed look to his feet as they pounded on the sidewalk. Ren never made conversation simple either. "Look… don't you think it's about time you told me what this 'training' thing is really about?"

Ren almost stopped walking. He should have _known _Horokeu could see right through him. Had he made it too obvious? In his mind, he wanted to stop, have Horo hold him while he told him everything, finally telling him just how he felt… but he didn't, couldn't. He continued to walk, hands stuffed tightly into his pockets. "It's just that: training."

Horo sighed – was he aiming for a lost cause? "I saw you, you know;" he heard his next words break the air before he'd even thought of them. As they left his lips, he stared up into the cloud-thick air, waiting for Ren to start firing off at him.

In his pockets, Ren's fists clenched. He couldn't mean…? Surely he hadn't…? He felt his mind fluster. What should he do? Deny it? Pretend he didn't know what Horo meant? Tell him…? "I… I have no idea what you're talking about."

Horo felt his legs go weak beneath him with the sheer strain of all this. He noticed the low wall they were walking beside, and sat down on it gratefully. "You don't remember what happened? You were outside again, so I brought you my-"

"Oh, be quiet!" Ren snapped, turning away from Horo so that he couldn't see his face. He didn't sit down along with him – just stood in front of him, back turned. "I didn't ask for your help then, did I?" Ren felt his cheeks flush. He couldn't think of what Horo meant by bringing all of this up, or of how he was going to get himself out of this situation.

"No, but you appreciated it, at least," Horo said, confident now in his words. Ren was being so _stubborn_… he wasn't going to let him deny the truth, that which he knew was right. "You were out there for hours after I left, and you didn't move at all. What's with you?"

Ren sank down to sit on the wall, defeated, a little distance away from Horo, back still turned to him. "I…" he began, before trailing off. He didn't know what to say or do – he had been caught off-guard. He hadn't realised Horo had seen him.

Horo felt Ren's unease. Though he knew he had to take some responsibility in this situation – be _stern _with Ren, not let him deny things – he couldn't be too harsh on him, or it was all too possible that he might back off. Timidly, he put a hand on Ren's shoulder.

Ren shuddered. This was so much like that day… Horo had touched him there then too. And just as before, he didn't react to throw him off, to yell at him… the touch calmed him, his panicking mind easing a little.

Silence was all that could be heard for a moment between them, the howling winds lashing harshly at both boys' faces.

"Ren…" Horo started.

"I was… I was watching you. I wasn't supposed to be, I told myself I wouldn't…" Ren managed to say, closing his eyes tight as tears of hate and rage stung at them. "I punished myself, I tried to get rid of these thoughts. Because… I'm not supposed to feel this way."

Horo was startled. He listened to Ren's tearful voice for a moment, wondering if this could be Ren playing some kind of trick on him – it seemed too unreal, and Ren seemed so much unlike his cold, sarcastic self. Or perhaps… he was seeing the _true _side to Ren? Deciding he would take the risk, he sat a little closer against Ren, his other hand now brushing Ren's other shoulder. "Are you… trying to say what I think you are?" Horo questioned, tenderly.

Ren felt it all wash up inside him – all this time of feeling these things; his hatred at himself for doing so, at Horo for making this so difficult for him. With this intense feeling burning in his heart, his mind wandered elsewhere. Without thinking, he only turned his head around to have it resting on Horo's shoulder. A silent tear dropped down his cheek – he was too busy fighting his emotions to even lift up a hand to brush it away hastily, so Horo couldn't see. He felt as though the tear would turn into an icicle as it slid over his freezing skin. Now, he felt as though he didn't care. What dignity he had, he'd lost already; he'd already told Horo, Horo knew now. What harm could a tear or two do to him? He felt as though he didn't care if he cried in front of Horo – or was it more, he _wanted _to cry in front of him?

Horo wasn't even fazed by Ren's touch. He was more concerned with Ren himself – it seemed he had taken this hard – harder even than he had, perhaps. He felt his heart sink as he sensed Ren's sorrow – his tenseness, denial and shame. He couldn't bear to see him this way. Carefully, he put his arms around Ren, holding him tightly, his head so low that he could the skin of Ren's cheeks against his own. "If you shouldn't feel this way, then we are both doing something wrong," he said softly, trying to calm him.

Hearing the words, Ren picked up his head slowly. He hadn't expected to find Horo's face so close. He could feel Horo's warm breath on his face, calming him. Their eyes were in direct contact, pupils in line. A final tear dropped away into nothing, as Horo's eyes ensnared him, caught him in their soothing trap.

Horo didn't move, hardly daring to believe the moment, the longing in Ren's eyes so much like his own. A small smile breaking on his face, he leant forward slightly, feeling Ren's lips against his own.

Ren closed his eyes as he felt Horo come near, as their lips touched in perfect harmony…

The clouds in the night sky wavered heavily above them, finally breaking their seams to send spring's first snow twinkling down on to the icy streets.

* * *

Emily Nash-Medlyn

Thursday 23rd September 2005


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